“Fear is expensive” - E.L. Chisolm
I sat cross-legged on the edge of the bed one Friday morning sipping my favorite large iced-coffee with three creams, two sugars, one pump of hazelnut and vanilla syrup. The perfect caffeinated sugar rush to ease the weight of the decisions that I was mulling over for the past few months. When I make decisions, I consider every route to success but also pray that I welcome a balanced head and heart when issues arise. I prepare myself for the mental gymnastics of contract negotiations, boundary-setting, firm terms, and non-negotiables. I weigh all of my options as if I am placing my mental weight onto a scale to see if it’s worth it.
Before every “yes” email I send, there's a mountain of self-doubt, self-sabotage and immense self-loathing that causes me to lose balance and sleep for weeks. My imposter syndrome kicks in and I spiral down the laundry list of previous projects where I compromised my values, overextended, overcommitted, and failed because the lines were blurry and my boundaries hazy.
When I finally looked up from my computer, my partner was staring at me from afar. He said defiantly, “You look a bit stressed.” His bluntness always forces me to tell the truth from the depth of my belly even if I try to disguise myself. I replied, “We have an incredible opportunity and we only have six weeks to do it. I’ve already compromised the artist's personal deadline and timeline. But honestly, I think this will be a major win for both of us. And it just makes sense.” He replied, “That sounds stressful but if you believe in it. Go for it.” I looked down at my computer, mumbling to myself, “It would be stressful but it would be worth it.”
The truth is, it didn’t need to be stressful. Instead, I needed to be obedient.
I needed to waddle through the fear, knowing that all the previous failed opportunities were preparing me to have the opportunity of a lifetime. I needed to be obedient and glean from the losses, missteps, long nights, delayed and ignored emails that it could be all different this time.
Obedience is having the strength to silence self-sabotage and stay focused even when the stakes are high. Obedience is having the audacity to follow through even when the path forward is unclear. Obedience is the crazy faith that is the foundation of any impossible dream.
Obedience trumps fear when you’re prepared.
We would have to work hard. But with the right parameters, non-negotiable boundaries, firm timelines, and a detailed contract that outlined accountability, the project would be feasible.
In the summer of 2020, I remember sitting in a meeting with a prominent art leader from New York, a bold, energetic, direct and undeniably cut-throat white woman that carved out a prosperous career with notable partners and clients. In my meeting, I asked how she managed to set up her contracts that allows her to have a peace of mind while also creating agency so she doesn’t have to compromise her worth or her values. She simply said, “Honey, the contract has to work for you just as much as it works for them. That means setting reasonable expectations where both parties have responsibilities on the services rendered in regards to communications, payment terms, and deliverables.”
I believe this advice can apply to all areas of your life. Every inch of your life, from your intimate and familial relationships to your friendships, should have a checks & balances system where you can advocate for your needs and create space to feel emotionally, physically, spiritually and even financially supported.
You should never pour from an empty cup too much and for too long because the moment you feel exhausted you would want to terminate that contract and wonder how you arrived at the point of depletion.
From that point forward, I started drafting my own contracts, advocating for myself, setting my standards high, drafting clear and actionable deadlines, and aiming for balance while giving room for grace. Over the years, I refined, dissected, shifted, and implemented processes that would increase transparency & accountability in all facets of my life. It’s helped me identify the difference between a distraction and an opportunity.
Distractions are meant to test your obedience and create moments of pause.
Every time I embark on something new, something tragic happens along the way. The tragedy is always something preventable but my ego seems to trip me in moments when I get a little too overzealous and defiant. These moments of forgetfulness and oftentimes, ignorance, are gentle reminders to slow down and to find flow in the process and not force it.
There is one moment that I can vividly recall when my intuition told me to stay home. In the humid spring air of 2019, I was in the middle of producing the first art show in the Mayor’s corridor that solely featured Black women visual artists. The production of the show was challenging - artwork was not prepared and had not been delivered for the installation. Artists were not answering and not showing up. I had two days to install and prepare for the opening alongside the Mayor's Office of Cultural Affairs. I went into panic mode. I tried to force the outcomes instead of accepting defeat. My intuition told me to pivot, delay the opening, and take a week to recenter. My ego told me to keep moving, ignore the red flags, and try to control what I could.
Control can often be the downfall of your breakthrough.
To take my mind off of the challenges of the exhibition, I honored my commitment to go to dinner with a friend visiting from Miami. We met up at a quaint little downtown restaurant known for its Thai and southern fusion fare. My favorite waitress was there; she poured us complimentary drinks on the house and gave us free shots. We left the restaurant slightly tipsy, mosied our way to my 2010 GMC Envoy truck, and speed off under the deep blueberry sky. I drove to her Airbnb that was on the southside of town as she was staying just ten minutes from my house. Before entering her home, she turned around and said, “Are you sure you’re okay to drive?” I nodded as I was only three miles away from home. Driving in my drunken stupor, just one mile from my neighborhood, I crashed into a jeep and rear-ended a woman who had just gotten off of work. She had a Jeep Wrangler so it withstood the impact that my car made. She emerged from the car unscathed yet irritable, confused, annoyed and clearly tired from the long day of work. My car, on the other hand, was destroyed and looked like a pancake - completely flat, folded into itself. I sat outside with my bare feet planted on the ground, right next to Krystals fast food restaurant on Main Street and whispered to myself, “I should have just stayed home.”
Fear will always present itself right before your breakthrough.
Once overcoming the hurdle of self-sabotage and making the personal commitment to move forward, you will feel invincible because you’ve made the internal decision to commit to yourself. How do you navigate and have conviction to self-correct when roadblocks inevitably present themselves along the way.
It’s easier to start something than to finish something. To see something through to its completion is hard. To push through often means that you’ll find yourself working against the current, swimming in the depths of the ocean, and carrying more pressure than you can measure. It’s uncomfortable for a reason and because it's supposed to be.
Once I decided to accept the project and got the artist and client onboarded, the meetings went effortlessly smooth. Our missions and visions were aligned, creative direction was locked-in, feedback was predictable, the finish line seemed tangible and possible. Two weeks before our deliverable, we faced production challenges, had to reconsider elements that we hadn’t initially considered, had to pivot, improvise, and innovate in real time and often late at night. We were building the plane while flying it.
In the midst of building the plane and trying to land it gracefully, my personal world felt like it was unraveling. I experienced car problems and was unable to drive anywhere. I spent an exorbitant amount on Ubers, having to travel from the southwest side of Atlanta to the north side of the city to look at samples and materials as we had only one shot and one week left to get it right. In my frenzy, I attempted to facilitate a facetime with the client to review print samples. I accidently left my tote-bag in the bathroom. I drove away leaving my tote-bag that held my laptop and wallet in the corner of a bathroom at the Office Depot on Howell Mill.
The next morning, after spending days completely worn out and broken down, I received three text messages and a lengthy voice note from the artist. I called her immediately. On the call, we both unraveled, expressed our exhaustion, understood we both no longer could perform and we needed a day of rest. I remember vaguely saying, “We’ve been performing perfectly and perfect isn’t sustainable. And as Black women, we should give ourselves grace to not be perfect and not to perform. You don’t have to perform today if you don’t want to. Take a break.”
We both exhaled, knowing that we had already done the work, we were already excellent in our craft and that the only fear that was holding us back was ourselves and not the people on the other end of the contract. At that moment, I felt the world slow down. I felt my body recalibrate and my spirit settle.
I learned that overcoming fear is establishing a steady pace of obedience where you center yourself, create space for care and accept the nonlinear journey it takes to finish what you started.
Needed this. Thanks for sharing!
Talk about timely! Thank you Tiff for sharing and always being your most transparent vulnerable self. It helps us like minds navigate these same waters.