In periods of uncertainty, the mind tempts us with false narratives of doubt & fear.
The loss of my identity is tied to not being able to control my mind and the false narratives that live within it. The fear that controls my current delusional state is one that is struggling to affirm my inner light. My inner light shines bright through writing and through visual stories told with my paintbrush. It’s the most honest I am with myself and with others because I am in a constant state of reflection, creation and exploration. The things I love come naturally and effortlessly when I feel in alignment or in control. The current lack of control I feel as I navigate through this season of transition is alarming. I’ve allowed my passions to be tied to a desired outcome instead of a place of release and joy. Writing has become more of a task these days. To pick up a paintbrush feels like a burden. Instead of allowing these tools to help me work through my transitions, I tuck them away as if they no longer matter.
My mind tells me not to publish anything unless it’s perfect. My mind tells me not to paint anything because I have nothing new to explore. I allow my mind to conform to society’s standards of performing perfectionism - a need to appear as if everything has a purpose, plan or intention. I stall myself from producing and creating because the time is not right or it’s not good enough or I am not whole enough.
I’ve given myself false timelines and narratives. As a result, my procrastination is just fear wearing a mask.
By cloaking myself in fear and adorning myself in false identities, I shrunk my existence and tied success to merit and achievement as proof that I am living a purposeful life. In a moment when I don’t have a plan or a certain goal to attain, I’ve allowed my mind to slip into a narrative that my voice doesn’t matter. I have removed myself from the things I love because I fear that I may not break through the noise because a goal isn’t tied to a desired output. The need to perform perfection has placed me in a period of stagnation. Because I don’t know who I am going to become, I no longer do what I love.
We are the stories that we tell ourselves.
I am attempting to rewrite my stories of doubt and move towards affirming stories that are rooted in abundance and grounded in my inner light. I am learning that rewriting the stories I tell myself is a choice and, most importantly, a practice. It’s a period of unlearning of how to not be consumed by the mind’s desire to conform and learning to welcome the spirit as a compass. We do that by giving doubt a name, a name outside of ourselves. In times of transitions and pivots, I tend to move away from the spirit and operate in the mind. I adopt a mindset that forces me to shrink instead of expand. In this moment of reflection and transitioning, I am recognizing the mental gymnastics and mental warfare that I allow my mind to do.
Our nervous system is ruptured because society tells us we need to do more when really we are and have just enough. We confront the illusions by calling them out and then calling them in and saying “Doubt, you no longer live here.”
I am figuring out how to reorient my nervous system and move towards a place of trust and self-love especially in a season of utter confusion, chaos and identity crisis. Instead of having the answers, I am learning to trust my spirit, my inner guide, to illuminate the pathway forward. I am doing that more through free-form writing and random midday sketches on my front porch. I am doing things that bring me back to my sense of self and not a sense of perfection or production.
Our inner light is rooted in our ancestral spirit which is our greatest pathway to our liberation. When we are in sync with our spirit, we move in opposition to oppression and narratives of scarcity.
We are the stories that we tell ourselves and we have to rewrite the stories our ancestors carried.
When we confront our illusions, our spirit opens and grounds us in possibilities.
Our liberation lives in our spirit. Our future lives in the present moment. These are the stories I am starting to tell myself.
This is felt wholeheartedly. Perfectionism for me, is this sense that I know better than Spirit. Spirit leads me in creativity, and knows the journey is important.
This was so good.